A Mother's Love

Today is a day to celebrate the amazing mommas in our lives -- Happy Mother's Day!! Sending special thoughts to all the mothers who have lost a child, especially to those having their first Mother's Day without their precious little ones. This is not an easy day...I know. I miss my Jakey boy so very much!!!

Today, I'm grateful for my sweet kiddos. Jacob and Kelly have brought such immense joy into my life, taught me countless life lessons, and gave me the opportunity to feel what it's like to love unconditionally. Becoming a mom was the moment when I found true happiness. I have experienced a love so deep that I wonder how my heart is even big enough to hold it all!

Motherhood has opened up my worldview and allowed (often forcing) me to experience emotions more fully than I ever thought possible -- joy, love, affection, empathy, anger, fear, courage, hope, envy, compassion, heartache, grief. Out of all these emotions, nothing quite compares to a mother's love for her child -- a love that knows no limits. For the mothers like me, who's hopes, dreams and lives have been forever changed because they have/had a beautiful child with special needs; we ride this emotional roller coaster daily.

Despite being given the most devastating news possible [Jacob's NPD diagnosis], I chose not to dwell on an uncertain future, but rather focused on the present because every minute with Jacob was a gift. That's not to say that things weren't difficult, even with everything I experienced with Jacob; I was able to find the joy in each and every day. Jacob was a true joy in my life -- he still is.

I really never knew how I'd be able to go on in life without being a mom, which is why Josh and I chose to have another baby. I have been blessed with Kelly, who has given me a second chance to raise a child and to enjoy all the "firsts" without fear that they'll soon be lasts. I get to be a 'mommy', which is the only thing I've ever truly wanted in my life. Having Kelly does not take away the pain of losing Jake, but she has brought joy back into my life during a time where it felt like everything else had been taken away. Kelly gives me at least a hundred reasons to smile each day.

I promise I don't intend for this to be a sad post...really, I don't. I have felt a lot of mixed emotions about this day and just wanted to share a bit about how grateful I am to be a mom to two amazing babies. Jakey will always be a baby to me.

Since it's Mother's Day, I do want to show some love for the two most important moms in my life. I'm so grateful for my Mom (Kathy) and mother-in-law (Sheila), who have supported our family through the most difficult time in our lives, even when there were no words of comfort to offer. There will never be a 'thank you' big enough to express our gratitude for all that you do for us. Love you both!!

I went through some pictures to find some of my favorites with my little man and I ~ precious memories and moments in time that I will cherish always!! So grateful to be your mommy sweet Jakey.

I knew I loved you before I met you

1st day at home with my sweet bundle of BOY!

My happy boy ready for his 1st time at the beach

Checking out the fishies with momma

Little man loved going to the Zoo

A little fun at the lake - Jaker's 1st camping trip

At Bodega Bay - one of our best family vacations. Love that Jakey used to always hold my hands

Snuggled up with Momma on Christmas morning and resting his head on my shoulder, his favorite way to snuggle

One of the only pics I have with both kiddos - Jakey's little footsies and baby Kelly in my tummy

"No one else will ever know the strength of my LOVE for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."