We're really excited that Kelly will have a little sister so close in age and know they will grow up to be the best of friends. Growing up with three younger brothers, I never got to experience having a sister, so I am thrilled to see what it's going to be like having a house full of girls. I know we've got plenty of girlie clothes and pretty bows just waiting for her arrival. Josh is going to be a bit outnumbered, but if she's anything like her sister, I know our little girl-on-the-way will have Daddy wrapped around her little fingers in no time.
Amidst the happy news, I have been overcome with a lot of emotions. Yesterday, it felt like a culmination of thoughts and feelings that I've been holding onto for a long time, finally surfaced. Mostly, I was incredibly sad knowing that Jake is not here with us to share in the excitement. I am devastated once again to know that he will not get to grow up with his little sisters. In my heart, I have always wanted three children and feel like this baby should complete our family, but I know our family will NEVER be complete without our little man Jacob. I can remember being a bit relieved when we found out Kelly was a girl. Deep down I was worried that having a boy might somehow replace my feelings of loss for Jacob, when the time came that he would no longer physically be with us here, even though I knew you can never replace a child. I have some of the same feelings now.
We would like the baby to have her own room, but Josh and I are both struggling with knowing that making space for our new baby will mean removing pieces of Jakey. I am so scared to change anything in his room because I can't fathom taking any more of 'him' away and honestly don't know if I can.
My heart breaks a little bit more each time someone asks me how many children I have - I hate that question, but moreover, I hate having to answer it. And if one more person tells me how much harder it is to have two children...I honestly might scream!! Do you know how "hard" it is to care for a terminally ill child, knowing there is nothing within your power that you can do to save their life? Our family is blessed beyond measure to have another baby on the way and I am taken back every time I hear such thoughtless comments. I wish more than anything that I already had two children to care for and that I could hold my firstborn every day instead of grieving for him. As life goes on and our family grows, Josh and I will continue to share our memories of Jacob with our girls and make certain that their big brother remains a part of their lives.
Just so many thoughts going on in my mind, it has been overwhelming. Looking forward to our 2nd rainbow baby ~ a double rainbow for our family!
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow
does not negate the ravages of the storm.
When a rainbow appears,
it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family
is not still dealing with its aftermath.
What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared
in the midst of darkness and clouds.
Storm clouds may still hover,
but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.